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Is it possible you never got over your "not great" childhood?

Many people think they have moved past their childhoods when they don’t feel sad about it anymore. But what they don’t realize is that the problem has jumped from feeling it, to living it. Now it shows up in their lives as symptoms such as anxiety, isolation, substance abuse, and painful thoughts and feelings. Do you see yourself in the following descriptions of two types of daughters of narcissistic mothers? The Over-achiever  When someone asks how you are–your answer is almost always “Busy!” You may lie and say “Good! but Busy!”
  • You can’t imagine a life where you slow down and take a breath.
  • People NEED you. Your children NEED you. You don’t want them to have the same shitty experiences you had growing up, so you are there for them, without fail, and it is taking its toll.
It’s the same thing at work.
  • Without you, the place would fall apart. It’s a constant battle between being there for your boss, your children, not to mention–your partner.
  • You can’t think of the last time you took a bath and were able to actually unwind (and not just pretend) or go to a coffee shop, alone–and really enjoy yourself.
  • Everyone benefits from your empathetic and high-achieving approach—-except you.
  • Your house is spotless, but Inside your bones ache and you can’t stop the mean task master in your head driving you on.

 The Self Sabatour 

You just need to make it through the day. You can’t wait to get home so that you can get to your sweat pants, your glass of wine and your TV and pretend that everything is fine.

  • Even though you do spend time like this, you probably struggle with feeling guilty when you aren’t doing anything “productive.”
  • You are alone but you are too tired to care and you tell yourself you are fine with that. 
  • Your last couple relationships have been disasters. You can’t seem to take care of yourself AND another person, so it’s better for now just to hide with your dog (or cat) (or cactus). Life isn’t so bad, you say. But you still keep trying everything to feel better.
  • Yoga, buddhism, running– but you still often come back to feeling lost, and empty inside. 

Things CAN change. 

It may feel like your life will never change and it will just be one endless slog until you die. It does not have to be this way. Things CAN change. You have found ways of coping with what happened to you that just aren’t working anymore. Now you need someone to sit with you while you get honest about your experiences and how much they hurt you. By accepting what happened and feeling the feelings you will begin to feel differently about your past, and yourself. You will become more compassionate toward yourself, and be able to ease up on the gas pedal. You will be able to breathe and enjoy your life in a way that you haven’t since you were a young child. EMDR therapy can make this A-LOT quicker, and therefore, less painful.

Together we will walk you through the phases of recovery as listed in the book, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride. These include

Learning to see and accept what happened to you.

This can be hard. One of the best defenses we have is denial. If we can deny that something was as bad as it was then we don’t have to deal with it. Unfortunately, this isn’t helpful in the longterm. At some point we must face it.

Understanding  how to not pass down the legacy of narcissism.

 If we aren’t careful we can pass down some of the things we learned to our children. Recovering from being raised this way means we become conscious of our own narcissistic traits, and the ways we are overcompensating to our children for what we didn’t get. 

Grieving the mother you never had.

We must do this so that we have the emotional space to be present and strong in our current relationships. It makes us better parents because we have tended to the part of us that didn’t get what we needed.

Becoming the person you were meant to be.

This is the exciting process of seeing who you are apart from your upbringing. What really matters to you. What do you really want from your life. What makes you light up, and what do you love about who you are. 

Choosing a Therapist It is important to work with someone who has experience working with narcissism, its insidious and damaging nature, and how it works in the family system. Therapists who don’t have this knowledge may inadvertently carry on the work of a narcissistic parent by “assuming the best of your parent,” and having you take responsibility for your current relationship with them–when you have been overdoing that your entire life. One of the phases of recovery is acknowledging your hurt and how it has had profound effects on your life. Get Started today. Call me or contact me to set up a free phone consultation or to schedule your first appointment. Much of our work together will be growing your understanding of your past, how it effected you, and uncovering restricting beliefs you developed during childhood to help you survive. Then we work to change them, in order to provide you with more freedom and flexibility in life. Here are some beliefs that you may have picked up being raised by a selfish parent.
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“The WIEBGE acronym stands for “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”, and signifies certification in Dr. Karyl McBride’s five-step recovery model for treating adult children of narcissistic parents.”